every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
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You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome