I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
