How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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