My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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