I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize