I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
