my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
