At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
