I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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