Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
A bitchslap is in order.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
