i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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