I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
