I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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