New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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