By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
