it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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