I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
