i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
