I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
