She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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