So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
