I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
