The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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