Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
