So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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