I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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