I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
