dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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