areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
