I cockslap morals
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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