If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
