I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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