me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
