if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
