True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
