i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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