I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
