He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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