Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just sucked dick on a ferry
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Drunk is a universal language darling
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