I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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