ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
