the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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