Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
