well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
