I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
