You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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