I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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