He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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