my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
