watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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