he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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