I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
