happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
