I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
