Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
