I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
