I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
