remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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