C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
