Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
