i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
